Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk

I bought my son a joke book the other day.  Here are just a few of the jokes:

Bert: I bought a lousy AM radio.
Gert : AM? Why didn’t you buy one you play at night, too?

Jeff: Last night I came home to a family that gave lots of love and sympathy.
Steph: That must have been nice.
Jeff: It was, except it was the wrong house.

Mutt: Why are you cutting the block of ice into small chunks?
Jeff: So it will fit into the ice cube trays.

What do elephants take when the have insommia?
Trunk-ulizers.

What disease do cows get?
Moo-laria.

What do you get when you cross death and a pager?
The Grim Beeper.

What position did the mouse serve in Congress?
Squeaker of the House.

What do you get if you cross a pig and a red light?
A stop swine.

What is a woodpecker’s favorite joke?
A Knock-knock.

What goes “baaa-baaa-ka-boom”?
A lamb mine.

What do computerized bears do in the winter?
They cybernate.

Art teacher: Did you like the sculpture made out of magnets?
Art clown: No, actually I was repelled.

What do you call it when two seeded bagels fall in love?
Poppy love.

Why did the waiter get excited when he served asparagus?
Because asparagus tips.

Knock-knock!
Who’s there?
Pudding.
Pudding who?
Pudding your pants on before your underwear is a bad idea.

What superhero loves French pancakes?
The Crepe Crusader.

“Doctor, doctor, I was at the store and a box of frozen fish fell on my head.
“I bet you had a splitting Haddock.”

How do Arabian princes dance?
Sheik to sheik.

What do you call a whales’ favorite magazine?
Spouts Illustrated.

What did Pinocchio say to the barber?
“Just a whittle off the top.”

Dill: I hooked my microwave to my computer.
Will: Why did you do that?
Dill: Now I can get my homework done in half the time.

Sign at the microbiology lab: “Staph only.”

Chic: What don’t you like about your job at the Goose Feather Company?
Mick: There’s nowhere to go but down.

Bumper sticker: “Clones are people, two.”

Jokes:  Greatest Jokes On Earth by Matt Rissinger & Philip Yates

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