Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk

I bought my son a joke book the other day.  Here are just a few of the jokes:

Bert: I bought a lousy AM radio.
Gert : AM? Why didn’t you buy one you play at night, too?

Jeff: Last night I came home to a family that gave lots of love and sympathy.
Steph: That must have been nice.
Jeff: It was, except it was the wrong house.

Mutt: Why are you cutting the block of ice into small chunks?
Jeff: So it will fit into the ice cube trays.

What do elephants take when the have insommia?

What disease do cows get?

What do you get when you cross death and a pager?
The Grim Beeper.

What position did the mouse serve in Congress?
Squeaker of the House.

What do you get if you cross a pig and a red light?
A stop swine.

What is a woodpecker’s favorite joke?
A Knock-knock.

What goes “baaa-baaa-ka-boom”?
A lamb mine.

What do computerized bears do in the winter?
They cybernate.

Art teacher: Did you like the sculpture made out of magnets?
Art clown: No, actually I was repelled.

What do you call it when two seeded bagels fall in love?
Poppy love.

Why did the waiter get excited when he served asparagus?
Because asparagus tips.

Who’s there?
Pudding who?
Pudding your pants on before your underwear is a bad idea.

What superhero loves French pancakes?
The Crepe Crusader.

“Doctor, doctor, I was at the store and a box of frozen fish fell on my head.
“I bet you had a splitting Haddock.”

How do Arabian princes dance?
Sheik to sheik.

What do you call a whales’ favorite magazine?
Spouts Illustrated.

What did Pinocchio say to the barber?
“Just a whittle off the top.”

Dill: I hooked my microwave to my computer.
Will: Why did you do that?
Dill: Now I can get my homework done in half the time.

Sign at the microbiology lab: “Staph only.”

Chic: What don’t you like about your job at the Goose Feather Company?
Mick: There’s nowhere to go but down.

Bumper sticker: “Clones are people, two.”

Jokes:  Greatest Jokes On Earth by Matt Rissinger & Philip Yates

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